“I took all my things that make sounds; The rest I can do without”

Rage still bubbles beneath the surface. It’s no longer the volcano threatening to spew molten lava, but rather a hot spring searing in a sippy cup. Miraculously, the lid is tightly sealed without being warped. In its new container, neither his name nor image hold me hostage.

Now, it’s a matter of accepting my role in his game. I had been hurt when I met him. Three-and-a-half years removed from divorce and fourteen months from my dad’s death. I had not been my usual self. He likened himself to a demolisher in the early days of our union. He tasked himself with taking down the proverbial brick wall built up around me. Gradually, I emerged and returned to my fun-loving self.

Our relationship moved forward. He chased me. He planned dates and vacations, and eventually we purchased a house. We appeared strong, but the intimacy faded. I started pursuing him, eager for his touch, unsatisfied with surface-level affection.

I chased. That was my role. Responsibility.

Before him and in most every relationship that orbited my being, I had been the chaser. Friends. Relationships. Family ties. It was my modus operandi. I was raised believing women had equal capability as men and saw no reason why I couldn’t take initiative.  

So, I did. Without shame, I stepped forward and took risk out of the equation.

This time was different. There was no reward for my supposed gamble. No closeness. I put forth more effort. Oftentimes it felt desperate and pressured, absent of the usual endorphins. I accepted the challenge.

I pulled back. No response.

I changed tactics.

No luck.

When our relationship ended, I jumped the gun eager to play another game. I chased dates and new men. Novel opportunities. Fresh conditions. Time and time again, the result was the same: fireworks and burnout. Much like insanity.

Until, something changed. Loudly and in the stillness.

Me.

Neither the game nor environment appealed to me. I deleted my profile from the dating apps. I withdrew my name from the possibilities. I embraced a hermit mode focusing solely on my well-being.

No longer do I chase. I receive.

In this new environment, I thrive. I love. I am. Me.