"These days are going to fast; These days keep holding me back; These days are going off track; But I can't seem to find a way to my peace of mind"

My fingertips move frantically across the keyboard trying to remember all that has happened over the summer. I race against seconds, minutes, and months before the moment passes and I’m finagling the next personal crisis, already immune to the past.

I didn’t mean to fall out of touch. The calamities happened one after another with the car and house, and now Dave Grohl, being at the forefront of my mind. I kept measure of my anxiety by my beautifully long natural nails. As long as I had them, I felt in control. My anxiety at bay. Then, they were gone, chewed to the nub during a silly Mark Wahlberg movie. Too short and now bare.

I guess it’s better than running from the house screaming with my arms flailing, and crying, “I can’t adult anymore. I want my mommy.”

Australian rap blares in my new ride, my mind is blank. It’s the first time in weeks. Tears start to break through the surface, but never fall. The day hits me.

It’s the loneliest day of the year.

“Never forget” was yesterday. An outpouring of support over text and personal messages. Kind words and lots of love relayed over technology. Today, is forgotten. Gone are the memes, boasting of memories, survival stories, and hashtags. All that remains are the Patriots Day sales – furniture, car, and electronic accessories. For a limited time only.

I stupidly thought this year would be different. After all, I spoke to her in March. I met with her through a medium. I laughed and bawled. My insecurities were confronted and defeated, and for the first time in twenty-plus years, I felt more whole. I knew she was there. I felt her presence. When I talk to her now, I’m at peace. I laugh, I smile. I rarely cry.

As my mind drifts toward numbness and the song changes, another realization hits me. It’s the season. Eleven years, one month, and two days after the day she left, he left.

Two of my most favorite people in the world vanished. I have to be here without their math tutorials and their brilliance in explaining to me a concept I just can’t grasp. Gone are their hugs and laughter.

I know he was also there that day in March. When I learned of his presence, I laughed and sobbed. He told me what I needed to hear, while simultaneously breaking my heart. This year, I’m not at peace with their absence. I’m stuck in the void. I know they’re with me, but not by vision.

I wait for my nails to grow back, the days to pass, and for sensibility to return.

There’s only twenty-nine days left.